i saw a tarot reader not too long ago, and nearly shit myself when i’d picked not one, but four death cards.
‘no no’, she reassured. neither I nor my loved ones were about to cross over to the other side.
i breathed. a little.
what did they mean then?
‘well’, she explained, ‘that dark cloud hanging over your head’, pointing to the space above me, ‘it’s going away, slowly, but it’s going’.
i couldn’t imagine what that would feel like.
for so long it had felt like everywhere i went, there it was.
heavy and painful.
and no matter how hard i tried, there was no getting rid of that cloud.
i travelled the world to run from it. overworked myself to distract from it.used substances so I couldn’t feel it. pleased others to avoid it. controlled my eating and exercise, thinking i could beat it.
i exhausted so much energy that i eventually broke down.
with nothing left, i was forced to sit with my dark cloud, my biggest fear.
on my knees, half-dead from it all, it rained.
correction, it fucking poured.
the storm of my past trauma hit me so hard i felt like i was drowning.
i thought i was going to die.
but i didn’t.
as i allowed myself to feel all that i had been running, fighting, numbing myself from, the lashings of rain began to soften to a light sprinkle.
what once were confusing blurs, i could now make out people. my people. those that could see the real me when i couldn’t see myself, when i couldn’t even see them.
and those that had exploited my vulnerability, just quietly drifted away.
as i explored my past with curiosity, the present became more joyful, the future more hopeful.
i reflected on my patterns of behaviours, and took responsibility for my part to play.
with that, i learned to forgive myself and in turn, others too.
and all the pain that i had experienced that was beyond the control of my younger self, i made peace with.
‘to be alive, is to be traumatised’, as my mother would say.
‘it is beautifully human’.
this truth became clearer and clearer until one day, there was no rain.
i looked up to find that the dark cloud had gone.
all that was left was a light breeze of change and warmth from the loving sun.
don’t get me wrong, there are days when i feel the hovering of a cloud.
but i know that i need not run, or fight, or numb.
i have learnt that if i just sit and feel the rain, it will pass.
i trust now that the sun will always be there, waiting behind the dark clouds to kiss my cheeks ‘welcome home’.
i wrote this poem on my return.
to whoever needs it, i hope you find your way back soon.
there’s so much love here.
I lay here on my bed
Everything is quiet
Everything is still
I’m not in fear of the night before
Or concerned for what’s to come
My thoughts float freely
I let them pass like clouds rolling through the sky
I don’t get lost in an angry storm
Or try to run from the rain
I stand in my own sunshine
And watch the clouds keep on rolling
I belong in my body
It’s lovely and warm and safe
I don’t panic at the pain
Or punish myself with comparison
I live here now and we’re healing
Learning from the scars
Listening to its needs
Paying gratitude by taking care
I feel roots at the bottom of my feet
Grounding me in nature
I feel the spirits of my ancestors
Pulsing through my veins
I feel the wings of angels
Resting on my shoulders
I feel a universal energy
Tingling my skin
I feel love in my heart
And peace fills my lungs as I breathe
I’m trusting the sight of my intuitive eye
My imagination is like a fairground
It’s playful, it’s colourful, it’s wonderful
I hear the laughter of my inner child
And make sure she never stops
I’m connected to my magic
And pay attention to the signs of the Universe
But not running
But not chaotic
And as I lay here on my bed
Where everything is still
And everything is quiet
I feel alive yet peaceful
And I know that this is home